Lately I’ve been joking that I’m sort of suffering from schizophrenia, but I’ve learned the difference now. I DID. No, not Did, but DID…Dissociative Identity Disorder. That’s about as close as I can come to describe what I’ve had to do.
Many people have to do the same thing. Many emergency or first responders, doctors, soldiers, and even those who work with animals daily do something like this.

It’s where you shut down some of the emotional side and live in the calm, rational side that is focused on dealing with the given moment regardless of the circumstances or more accurately, because of them. It seems cold-hearted and unattached, but it is really their professional way of doing what they need to do right then. Could you imagine the nightmare of a doctor trying to save a life if they were so emotional about the condition that they were unable to perform? I’ll take the cold detachment.

For the past several months I’ve been building the wall to separate my mind and soul. Late at night, early in the morning (and sometimes without warning) I step back to the side where the emotions wait. That’s the side full of sorrow, grief, tears and heartache. It is also a side where if I search, I find memories, laughter, and most of all Love.

I’m spending more time away from that side. I’m learning to embrace more of the side I don’t like but where I have to dwell. The side that examines the situation and in spite of what I see, deals with it with what little logic and reason I can muster. This is the side where as I look around, I see the world keeps turning, the bills continue to come in, and meals still have to be prepared. It’s the side where I know I must maintain vigilance to the ‘wall’ to be sure the emotions are in check before I try to make a majority of decisions.

Most of us have a division like this, but usually it is a mere lattice work barrier because we don’t need the strong defensive detachment. Occasionally we meet someone that has allowed this barrier to fail, and we wonder how they function in a real world…and sometimes they truly don’t function well. That’s how folks wind up with 20 cats, or spend all their money on some televangelist show.

What I’m trying to describe is nearly impossible to put in words. I guess this is one of those “if you’re not there you wouldn’t understand” times. It is possible but so very hard to do. When you sit and try to not only deal with day to day issues but try to wrap your mind around trying to make plans for the future. A future that involves you alone. Knowing that without some sort of idea or plan, you risk floundering around foolishly, doing things you don’t want to do and will probably regret further down the road.

It is then that you see the wall for what it is. Bits and pieces of your broken heart plastered together with shattered fragments of love. And you know that there is a sense of urgency in handling that minutia of details because all too soon the wall will give way. Today, it holds but on the other side the level rises and you know when the wall fails, the flood will be overwhelming.

Today I make the decisions, today we have the cut to the bone discussions and today, I make plans based on our thoughts of the worst case scenarios. DID at its strongest.

And today I’ll do my best to prepare myself for tonight, because tonight I know I’ll go back over the wall.