You don’t look sick.
From the first time I had to report out at school until I retired, I’ve heard that phrase. Never liked it, never understood it.
I once asked how sick I needed to look to have the flu. Stuff oozing from my nostrils, eyes blearing red and weepy, skin pale to the point of translucent, a faint aura around me brought on by the heavy fever? Should I be heaving the remains of my last meal all over the floor?
Oh, I could go on, but I think you get the idea.
I guess I’m a little sensitive because as I sit and watch my beautiful wife sleeping through another episode of CSIsomething, I ache, because she doesn’t look sick.
The magic potion Megace was like Emeril’s Bam…kicking her appetite up a notch. She’s been drinking hot tea and earlier had an apple. Her skin is smooth, the color good (so far as I can tell color anyway) and right now she has a look that can only be described as peaceful.
Not sick.
But I know the truth.
And the deception throws me into such a tailspin and if I try really hard, I can stare at her and for just a second, I can make myself believe it is a dream, this is not really happening. But my heart won’t let that second grow any longer.
I pull the blanket around her and kiss her good night.
She doesn’t look sick
and if you see me out and about, I probably don't look heartbroken
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
143
“It’s better to look good than feel good”
So says Billy Crystal in his role as Fernando Lama on SNL. “You look Mahvelous” he’d exclaim to all.
Too often we take outside appearance to mean all is well inside.
This struck me recently when a close friend commented on how great Nancy looked. Unknown to him, it had been a true ‘dragon’ day and she struggled to add a little makeup, dress her best, and put on a good appearance. We left early because she was fatigued and ached to the bone.
For years, I heard managers comment on employees when they went home during the day. “He didn’t look sick”. I’m not sure what they were looking for. I’ve visited many a patient at the hospital that didn’t look sick.
But aren’t we just as bad to quickly judge people? Can we tell in a glance when someone is having a ‘dragon’ day?
A few weeks ago, someone asked me how I was doing. Great, I responded. Doing well.
I lied. I’d only had a few hours sleep, I was stressed beyond belief, my knee was hurting like never before, and it seemed like bricks were being stacked on my shoulders.
“How’s things with you?”
“Going good, things are fine”.
A few days later I ran into him again.
“How are things?” I asked
“Great” he said. And he looked it. Tanned, well-groomed, I even commented on the fit of his suit.
“Oh, that. Well, I’m on my way to meet with XX and her attorney. She filed for divorce.”
It was then that I could see the pain in his eyes. I offered my sympathy.
“Yeah. The timing is great. I guess I don’t have to worry about her getting the house, though. I got the foreclosure notice yesterday.”
But he looked ‘mahvelous’.
So don’t be surprised when the next time we meet and I ask “How are you doing?” if I follow it up with “you are in my prayers”. I may not know what is going on in your life, but I know that life is messy, and sometimes “doing great” is a façade.
So, “How ya’ doing?”
Good…I’m praying for you.
So says Billy Crystal in his role as Fernando Lama on SNL. “You look Mahvelous” he’d exclaim to all.
Too often we take outside appearance to mean all is well inside.
This struck me recently when a close friend commented on how great Nancy looked. Unknown to him, it had been a true ‘dragon’ day and she struggled to add a little makeup, dress her best, and put on a good appearance. We left early because she was fatigued and ached to the bone.
For years, I heard managers comment on employees when they went home during the day. “He didn’t look sick”. I’m not sure what they were looking for. I’ve visited many a patient at the hospital that didn’t look sick.
But aren’t we just as bad to quickly judge people? Can we tell in a glance when someone is having a ‘dragon’ day?
A few weeks ago, someone asked me how I was doing. Great, I responded. Doing well.
I lied. I’d only had a few hours sleep, I was stressed beyond belief, my knee was hurting like never before, and it seemed like bricks were being stacked on my shoulders.
“How’s things with you?”
“Going good, things are fine”.
A few days later I ran into him again.
“How are things?” I asked
“Great” he said. And he looked it. Tanned, well-groomed, I even commented on the fit of his suit.
“Oh, that. Well, I’m on my way to meet with XX and her attorney. She filed for divorce.”
It was then that I could see the pain in his eyes. I offered my sympathy.
“Yeah. The timing is great. I guess I don’t have to worry about her getting the house, though. I got the foreclosure notice yesterday.”
But he looked ‘mahvelous’.
So don’t be surprised when the next time we meet and I ask “How are you doing?” if I follow it up with “you are in my prayers”. I may not know what is going on in your life, but I know that life is messy, and sometimes “doing great” is a façade.
So, “How ya’ doing?”
Good…I’m praying for you.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Somewhere on the Gulf Coast of FL
It’s 4:30 am, and very dark. There are no outside lights because they would disturb the turtles on the beach (something to do with either mating or hatching eggs…not sure). The weather forecast is for partly cloudy, but right now it is mostly cloudy and very little moonlight. I’ve been sitting here for about an hour.
Until recently, I’ve rarely taken time to just sit. As an ADHD person, sitting is not one of my strong points. Even now, I have to suppress that desire to get up and do something. But I’m learning. I guess because I was always doing something, I never noticed too much how other people were. Oh, I occasionally thought maybe some folks were “lazy” because they didn’t get up at 5 and go until midnight. And I’ll admit, I wondered about people who took an entire afternoon, sitting in their recliners/sofas and watched a ballgame.
When Nancy became ill, I found myself in a foreign land. I’ve always been susceptible to stress (but think I deal with it well) and lack of sleep, but rarely have I found myself dysfunctional…or at least to that point. Many mornings I found myself sitting out back with Max and Molly, literally stunned into inaction. My body rebelled and refused to get up and go, and my mind sometimes felt locked down. I couldn’t think about work, houses, or worse, financial issues. Oh, I didn’t shut completely down, I pushed myself into doing what needed doing, but that first hour was a new time for me.
Gradually, I turned to prayer and a lot of self-examination. I’ve an innate sense of curiousity, and I just had to take apart feelings and thoughts. The more I looked inward, I found the better I felt outward (most of the time). Was this meditation? Those who are left-brained (those infuriatingly logical people) who never experience ADHD won’t understand this breakthrough. For those few who live daily with the fast-pace of ADHD, you’ll get it. It’s like the image I once saw of an interstate with layers and layers of interchanges and suddenly they all were at a standstill.
And like a traveler on that interstate, at first I wonder what caused the standstill. I keep waiting for traffic to resume. After a while, I step out, looking behind me, in front, wondering how long this will take. Eventually, I resign myself to the fact that I need to make the best of it, so I find a napkin (left from fast food, no doubt) and use it to wipe down the dashboard. Then, I start straightening up the glove box. Still no movement? I fish an old plastic bag from under the seat and set to cleaning out the entire car. I remember I have some spray stuff in the trunk, so I work on the tires. I step back and wonder why I never took time to clean my vehicle.
Such is my time alone now. Why didn’t I take time to clean out my mind, organize my thoughts, or take time to talk to God?
I hear the sound of traffic in the background and realize I have one tire shiny, the other three still dirty, but it is a start.
This morning, I hear the coffee pot as it finishes. My internal traffic is starting up. I look out the window just as there is a break in the clouds. I can see the shoreline, with a few spots of white sand peeking through the trees. My thoughts may not be completely organized, but I've started. With one shiny tire, I’m ready to face the day.
It’s 4:30 am, and very dark. There are no outside lights because they would disturb the turtles on the beach (something to do with either mating or hatching eggs…not sure). The weather forecast is for partly cloudy, but right now it is mostly cloudy and very little moonlight. I’ve been sitting here for about an hour.
Until recently, I’ve rarely taken time to just sit. As an ADHD person, sitting is not one of my strong points. Even now, I have to suppress that desire to get up and do something. But I’m learning. I guess because I was always doing something, I never noticed too much how other people were. Oh, I occasionally thought maybe some folks were “lazy” because they didn’t get up at 5 and go until midnight. And I’ll admit, I wondered about people who took an entire afternoon, sitting in their recliners/sofas and watched a ballgame.
When Nancy became ill, I found myself in a foreign land. I’ve always been susceptible to stress (but think I deal with it well) and lack of sleep, but rarely have I found myself dysfunctional…or at least to that point. Many mornings I found myself sitting out back with Max and Molly, literally stunned into inaction. My body rebelled and refused to get up and go, and my mind sometimes felt locked down. I couldn’t think about work, houses, or worse, financial issues. Oh, I didn’t shut completely down, I pushed myself into doing what needed doing, but that first hour was a new time for me.
Gradually, I turned to prayer and a lot of self-examination. I’ve an innate sense of curiousity, and I just had to take apart feelings and thoughts. The more I looked inward, I found the better I felt outward (most of the time). Was this meditation? Those who are left-brained (those infuriatingly logical people) who never experience ADHD won’t understand this breakthrough. For those few who live daily with the fast-pace of ADHD, you’ll get it. It’s like the image I once saw of an interstate with layers and layers of interchanges and suddenly they all were at a standstill.
And like a traveler on that interstate, at first I wonder what caused the standstill. I keep waiting for traffic to resume. After a while, I step out, looking behind me, in front, wondering how long this will take. Eventually, I resign myself to the fact that I need to make the best of it, so I find a napkin (left from fast food, no doubt) and use it to wipe down the dashboard. Then, I start straightening up the glove box. Still no movement? I fish an old plastic bag from under the seat and set to cleaning out the entire car. I remember I have some spray stuff in the trunk, so I work on the tires. I step back and wonder why I never took time to clean my vehicle.
Such is my time alone now. Why didn’t I take time to clean out my mind, organize my thoughts, or take time to talk to God?
I hear the sound of traffic in the background and realize I have one tire shiny, the other three still dirty, but it is a start.
This morning, I hear the coffee pot as it finishes. My internal traffic is starting up. I look out the window just as there is a break in the clouds. I can see the shoreline, with a few spots of white sand peeking through the trees. My thoughts may not be completely organized, but I've started. With one shiny tire, I’m ready to face the day.
Monday, October 13, 2008
The Winds of Change
It is something that has permeated the news and our thoughts for the past18 months (if not, how is life on mars?).
Change. We want it, but we fear it. Facing change in so many instances dictates our actions and reactions more than we realize. Some people say they embrace change, while others fear it enough to fight it. Clinging to the status quo. At my old job, we always joked about if you like change, just wait a few days and the company will change. Some of the biggest battles I had as a union rep were brought about because people couldn’t adapt to change.
Usually, I like change. Maybe it’s a result of my attention deficit disorder, or maybe I just don’t care for stagnation, for the feeling of ‘being in a rut’. Most of the time I face change head-on, rushing into it like a linebacker to a quarterback. But not all change is good. Sometimes change drops on us in return like the aforementioned linebacker, knocking us to the ground. One of the things we fear about change is our lack of control over it. It comes from nowhere and sometimes blindsides us.
As I sat with Max and Molly, I thought about the impact of changes over the past year. A sort of unplanned retirement, a son getting married, a granddaughter on the way, another son making the decision to leave college and come back home. Possible knee surgery in the very near future, then we have world-wide financial crisis that doesn’t just trickle down but becomes a torrential downpour. Some I have a degree of control over, some just happen and I go with the flow.
But as I wrangle to adapt to the changes, I look deeper. How do changes change us? Did the changes I’ve made make me a better person? I’d like to think so. I hope I’ve become a better father, with both kids back in town. I think retirement has been good in so many unexpected ways. The knee problems has certainly given me greater insight into the challenges and pitfalls of being handicapped. The financial crisis made me examine my priorities and my cluttered life of “stuff”.
And the most important change was brought about by the most drastic change, Nancy’s illness. My world changed that day unlike any other moment. Each and every day I struggle to understand the total impact on our lives. I no longer look at things the same way. My priorities were scrambled and I have begun a long process of reorganization of what is really important to me. This is not something done easily.
But one thing changed almost immediately, and that was my spiritual path. In war torn countries, people constantly have to take different routes due to the destructive nature of bombs on roads and bridges. Sometimes, they simply go off-road and create a new way.
I’ve pretty much always had a strong background in faith and ‘religion’, but this is new and uncharted territory for me. Some of my beliefs no longer seem on solid ground, and I spend days moving debris of old thoughts and theories. A ritual of spiritual self-examination is now becoming a morning ritual. In the series of books by Stephen Donaldson, the ‘hero’ Thomas Covenant is a leper and constantly has to scan himself physically to ensure there has been nothing damaging to his body. He has had to learn a higher degree of vigilance.
It is so easy to let circumstances and events change us for the worse, to become bitter and angry. To paraphrase Billy Graham, we can let our ‘milk of human kindness spoil’.
I hope that you too will start taking a little time to reflect, to question, and to realize that we need to scan our hearts as well as our bodies, that our spirits need to be examined, that we need to be vigilant in checking to be sure we are in good shape.
My song this morning is from LifeHouse; Winds of Change
in the still of the night it shines so clear
and the comfort of finding it here
and as I walk the night gets colder
and I know that I don't know
and it seems as I get older
my life goes over
in the winds of change
I guess nothing turned out like I planned
everything's sure to fall out of hand
and it takes a lot to find it
and it takes a lot I know
to believe that there is meaning
inside this moment
in the winds of change
as it turns you upside down
as confusing as it seems
keep your head high and your feet on the ground
and turn and chase your dreams
in the winds of change
****
PEACE
It is something that has permeated the news and our thoughts for the past18 months (if not, how is life on mars?).
Change. We want it, but we fear it. Facing change in so many instances dictates our actions and reactions more than we realize. Some people say they embrace change, while others fear it enough to fight it. Clinging to the status quo. At my old job, we always joked about if you like change, just wait a few days and the company will change. Some of the biggest battles I had as a union rep were brought about because people couldn’t adapt to change.
Usually, I like change. Maybe it’s a result of my attention deficit disorder, or maybe I just don’t care for stagnation, for the feeling of ‘being in a rut’. Most of the time I face change head-on, rushing into it like a linebacker to a quarterback. But not all change is good. Sometimes change drops on us in return like the aforementioned linebacker, knocking us to the ground. One of the things we fear about change is our lack of control over it. It comes from nowhere and sometimes blindsides us.
As I sat with Max and Molly, I thought about the impact of changes over the past year. A sort of unplanned retirement, a son getting married, a granddaughter on the way, another son making the decision to leave college and come back home. Possible knee surgery in the very near future, then we have world-wide financial crisis that doesn’t just trickle down but becomes a torrential downpour. Some I have a degree of control over, some just happen and I go with the flow.
But as I wrangle to adapt to the changes, I look deeper. How do changes change us? Did the changes I’ve made make me a better person? I’d like to think so. I hope I’ve become a better father, with both kids back in town. I think retirement has been good in so many unexpected ways. The knee problems has certainly given me greater insight into the challenges and pitfalls of being handicapped. The financial crisis made me examine my priorities and my cluttered life of “stuff”.
And the most important change was brought about by the most drastic change, Nancy’s illness. My world changed that day unlike any other moment. Each and every day I struggle to understand the total impact on our lives. I no longer look at things the same way. My priorities were scrambled and I have begun a long process of reorganization of what is really important to me. This is not something done easily.
But one thing changed almost immediately, and that was my spiritual path. In war torn countries, people constantly have to take different routes due to the destructive nature of bombs on roads and bridges. Sometimes, they simply go off-road and create a new way.
I’ve pretty much always had a strong background in faith and ‘religion’, but this is new and uncharted territory for me. Some of my beliefs no longer seem on solid ground, and I spend days moving debris of old thoughts and theories. A ritual of spiritual self-examination is now becoming a morning ritual. In the series of books by Stephen Donaldson, the ‘hero’ Thomas Covenant is a leper and constantly has to scan himself physically to ensure there has been nothing damaging to his body. He has had to learn a higher degree of vigilance.
It is so easy to let circumstances and events change us for the worse, to become bitter and angry. To paraphrase Billy Graham, we can let our ‘milk of human kindness spoil’.
I hope that you too will start taking a little time to reflect, to question, and to realize that we need to scan our hearts as well as our bodies, that our spirits need to be examined, that we need to be vigilant in checking to be sure we are in good shape.
My song this morning is from LifeHouse; Winds of Change
in the still of the night it shines so clear
and the comfort of finding it here
and as I walk the night gets colder
and I know that I don't know
and it seems as I get older
my life goes over
in the winds of change
I guess nothing turned out like I planned
everything's sure to fall out of hand
and it takes a lot to find it
and it takes a lot I know
to believe that there is meaning
inside this moment
in the winds of change
as it turns you upside down
as confusing as it seems
keep your head high and your feet on the ground
and turn and chase your dreams
in the winds of change
****
PEACE
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
This has been a weekend of flashbacks.
So many times, my memories were flooded with a wedding 35 years ago. As friends and family joined us this weekend, I found myself reflecting on so many events of the past years.
I have had a wonderful life.
Oh, there were many peaks and valleys, and far too many ditches I ran into on the road, but I have loved living my life.
As I sat quietly this morning, sitting here in the room with nothing but the sound of Nancy’s gentle breathing as she slept, I drifted back over the years and thought of all the great times, great friends, and even spent a little time going over some of the bad things that we went through.
But we muddled through them, and came out stronger. As we faced each crisis and went through that fire, our bonds of love were forged and strengthened, as were friendships.
It is good every once in a while to think of the past, remembering where you came from and what you went through, as long as you can do it with some honesty. I face the reality that so many times, sheer luck and the grace of God were all that kept me from being just another statistic, that many decisions that seem so wise today were impulsive and not very smart, again…just luck.
I look back at the many things that shaped my faith and gave me courage. I see the ‘footprints in the sand’. Sometimes there were many footprints, as the Angels walked with me, apparently shielding me from my own stupidity.
In these days of doom and gloom, constant crisis and fear, it is good to look back. Think about how many times you thought you were facing the biggest crisis in your life… and yet here you are today and that event doesn’t quite look so bad. How many of those times are you now seeing as blessings instead, since they threw you on a slightly different path?
It’s a simple phrase, but sums it up: Life is good.
I find a song and kick back to enjoy: The Beatles
In My Life
There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends i still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When i think of love as something new
Though i know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life i love you more
Though i know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life i love you more
In my life i love you more
So many times, my memories were flooded with a wedding 35 years ago. As friends and family joined us this weekend, I found myself reflecting on so many events of the past years.
I have had a wonderful life.
Oh, there were many peaks and valleys, and far too many ditches I ran into on the road, but I have loved living my life.
As I sat quietly this morning, sitting here in the room with nothing but the sound of Nancy’s gentle breathing as she slept, I drifted back over the years and thought of all the great times, great friends, and even spent a little time going over some of the bad things that we went through.
But we muddled through them, and came out stronger. As we faced each crisis and went through that fire, our bonds of love were forged and strengthened, as were friendships.
It is good every once in a while to think of the past, remembering where you came from and what you went through, as long as you can do it with some honesty. I face the reality that so many times, sheer luck and the grace of God were all that kept me from being just another statistic, that many decisions that seem so wise today were impulsive and not very smart, again…just luck.
I look back at the many things that shaped my faith and gave me courage. I see the ‘footprints in the sand’. Sometimes there were many footprints, as the Angels walked with me, apparently shielding me from my own stupidity.
In these days of doom and gloom, constant crisis and fear, it is good to look back. Think about how many times you thought you were facing the biggest crisis in your life… and yet here you are today and that event doesn’t quite look so bad. How many of those times are you now seeing as blessings instead, since they threw you on a slightly different path?
It’s a simple phrase, but sums it up: Life is good.
I find a song and kick back to enjoy: The Beatles
In My Life
There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends i still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When i think of love as something new
Though i know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life i love you more
Though i know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life i love you more
In my life i love you more
Sunday, October 5, 2008
A magic moment. Over 100 people gathered, each heart lifted by the scene of two people dedicating their lives to each other. A truly wonderful setting: the lawn of a newly restored 100+ year old Victorian home, an absolutely gorgeous sunny day as we settled under the shade of dozens of trees with their fall foliage just starting.
And a couple in love, starting their lives together as man and wife.
My wish for them is simple.
I wish for them the happiness that Nancy & I have been blessed with all these years. I want Justin to wake up each morning knowing his mate was not the correct choice of his but a blessing from God.
I want Chrissie to go to sleep at night, secure that while life may be hard sometimes, her husband will be at her side through it all.
And I want Sophia Abernathy Wright to grow up knowing that she is loved every bit as much as the respective parents, family and friends loved her parents yesterday evening.
Thank you all for being there, if not in person, in spirit.
Last night, Nancy asked me if I remember how I felt on our wedding day.
My answer: Every Day.
This morning I listened to a song that summed it all up for me. I hope you’ll go to the video and listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4_x24cVHr8
He is now to be among you at the calling of your hearts
Rest assured this troubadour is acting on His part.
The union of your spirits, here, has caused Him to remain
For whenever two or more of you are gathered in His name
There is Love. There is Love.
Well a man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home
And they shall travel on to where the two shall be as one.
As it was in the beginning is now and until the end
Woman draws her life from man and gives it back again.
And there is Love. There is Love.
Well then what's to be the reason for becoming man and wife?
Is it Love that brings you here or Love that brings you life?
Or if loving is the answer, then who's the giving for?
Do you believe in something that you've never seen before?
Oh there's Love, there is Love.
Oh the marriage of your spirits here has caused Him to remain
For whenever two or more of you are gathered in His name
There is Love. Oh there's Love.
And a couple in love, starting their lives together as man and wife.
My wish for them is simple.
I wish for them the happiness that Nancy & I have been blessed with all these years. I want Justin to wake up each morning knowing his mate was not the correct choice of his but a blessing from God.
I want Chrissie to go to sleep at night, secure that while life may be hard sometimes, her husband will be at her side through it all.
And I want Sophia Abernathy Wright to grow up knowing that she is loved every bit as much as the respective parents, family and friends loved her parents yesterday evening.
Thank you all for being there, if not in person, in spirit.
Last night, Nancy asked me if I remember how I felt on our wedding day.
My answer: Every Day.
This morning I listened to a song that summed it all up for me. I hope you’ll go to the video and listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4_x24cVHr8
He is now to be among you at the calling of your hearts
Rest assured this troubadour is acting on His part.
The union of your spirits, here, has caused Him to remain
For whenever two or more of you are gathered in His name
There is Love. There is Love.
Well a man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home
And they shall travel on to where the two shall be as one.
As it was in the beginning is now and until the end
Woman draws her life from man and gives it back again.
And there is Love. There is Love.
Well then what's to be the reason for becoming man and wife?
Is it Love that brings you here or Love that brings you life?
Or if loving is the answer, then who's the giving for?
Do you believe in something that you've never seen before?
Oh there's Love, there is Love.
Oh the marriage of your spirits here has caused Him to remain
For whenever two or more of you are gathered in His name
There is Love. Oh there's Love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
